The other day I received an email from a dear friend* on the platform. He was concerned.
The friend who sent me the email is a trans man. He was disturbed by our tagline, 1 story. 4 minutes. Zero dicks. He was worried about the implications for trans women and nonbinary folx who might not fit our definition of what a trans woman or nonbinary person is. But, he had no idea what our definition is. I felt like he jumped the gun. But I was grateful to him for reaching out.
We didn’t really have a definition. More on that in a bit. First, I want to take some time to share more fully why we exist in the first place. This is important.
I’ll address his concerns, because how we feel about inclusivity at Wham! Bam! Thank You! Slam! needs to be spoken to, so there’s no confusion for anyone.
When I set out to create Wham! Bam! Thank You! Slam! I envisioned a storytelling space for women. For feminists. A story slam specifically for people who believe that the oppression and hatred that’s being weaponized AGAIN (or still) against women in this culture is inexcusable, inappropriate, and it’s so damn tired.
I’m so damn tired of this old, ugly, one-sided “conversation.”
I’m tired of the mansplaining and manspreading.
I’m tired of men deciding what I can do with this body of mine. How dare they?
I’m tired of the men who destroy our freedoms. I’m very capable of making choices for myself, thank you very much. I’m sure you are, too.
I’m tired of playing stupid “polite female” games in this patriarchal prison; games I’ve been taught to play that are fueled by a sense of fear I was taught to feel. I was taught by men.
I’m tired of being thought less of, even hated, because I was born female.
I’m tired of men telling me what I can and cannot say and what I must look like to be considered acceptable.
I’m tired of hearing about women losing the male gaze because they’re aging. That women who are older are no longer desirable.
I’m tired of worrying and being frightened when I’m out walking at night and hear someone following me. When I look over my shoulder and see a man, I automatically think he could be targeting me because he has a sense of entitlement that makes him think he can take or do whatever he wants.
I’m tired of fearing men. They give us cause by their actions, over and over again. I didn’t make this shit up. It’s real. You know it and I know it.
I’m tired of hearing about men who want to take my vote away. My vote???
I’m tired of people trying to edit my voice when I say something they don’t want to hear.
But I’m NOT tired of being a woman. I would never want to be anything but a woman.
We’re all doing the best we can dealing with the onslaught of cruelty, lies, and blatant fascism happening in the United States. It’s motivated me to resist the best way I know how; by using my talents as a writer and designer. By harnessing my love for people to create a welcoming and fun space.
Wham! Bam! Thank You! Slam! is the way I’m choosing to do my revolution and I’m proudly doing it with my friend, Eileen Dougharty.
My purpose in starting this stack?
To tell the stories of our lives with humor, grace, anger, and honesty. To be funny, smart, and serious. But ultimately, to create a space that feels good for all the people who feel disconnected, unseen, forgotten, ripped off, and pissed that the world keeps telling us, “Sorry, that’s just the way it is, you’re despised. So shut up, women, shut up trans people, queer people, black people, brown people, Muslim people, Jewish people, non-Christian people, disabled people, and just be grateful for the scraps we offer.”
NO MORE of that. I’ll pass.
I’m not protesting in the streets. I don’t do that. I’m protesting here. Using my words because my words are my best tool, my asset. I won’t call my words a weapon. That’s too male. I’m not fighting a war. I’m standing in my truth and calling out the oppressors.
Wham! Bam! Thank You! Slam! is for people who feel unsafe walking down the street. For people who’ve been harassed, assaulted, and raped. For people whose rights are being destroyed, one right at a time.
None of this is okay. You know it, and I know it. The space is intended to be a kind space. An open-hearted space. A safe space. A lot of it’s meant to be taken as tongue in cheek. But––and I will say but––everyone isn’t welcome in this space. Mean people aren’t welcome, Nazis aren’t welcome, Fascists aren’t welcome. Haters aren’t welcome.
We very intentionally came up with the tagline,
1 story. 4 minutes. Zero dicks.
Did we mean “penises?” Only kinda, sorta.
We used the word because of the association it has to male anatomy, it’s true. But the word “dick” has more than one definition:
“A rude word for a stupid, unpleasant, or contemptible person, particularly a man.” It’s also slang for “detective,” and as a verb; the idiom, “dick around.”
Don’t dick around with us. It won’t work.
What we are saying is no MALE storytellers on our stage. Feminist or not.
We’re sticking to it, at least for now. When men see the light, we might renegotiate our terms. We’re not going to change our tagline because someone thinks it’s clickbaity or exclusionary. There will always be people who have objections to all kinds of self-expression. You know it and so do we. They don’t have to come play with us.
My friend did raise some important questions.
This is the tough spot, the things I didn’t think of––the details I hadn’t considered. This is where I’ll clarify things further. Please feel free to ask questions in the comments.
I’m excerpting from his email and will address his questions here. He did own up to communicating with me from an elevated emotional state. I take no issue with the tenor of his tone. I understood it and I’m grateful for his input. I love him very much.
“…the bigger issue I see is how you’ve turned “ZERO dicks” into a kind of clickbaity zinger to drive your point home. I wonder if you have considered how that framing might feel to trans women who do not want to have, or cannot access, gender-affirming surgery. Are you okay with ones who have had surgery but not others? Are they only allowed once they “pass the test”? Do they also need to be on HRT? What makes a trans woman eligible?
I wonder if you have thought about intersex people. Are they allowed? If their bodies do not fit a biological binary (which we know is false anyway), should they be excluded? Maybe just the ones who are feminine enough?
I wonder, deeply, if the only nonbinary people you are inviting to join you are the ones without apparent dicks, the androgynous-slightly-femme-but-not-too-masc ones.
I will say that this felt like a bit of projection on his part, and I understand that, too. It felt like he made a lot of assumptions about who I am, and what my values are. He felt a need to step up and try to protect the people in his community. Here’s the rub. He can’t protect or speak for the people in his community. He can only speak for himself as I can only speak for myself. I know he’s coming from a good place. And, if we don’t talk to each other, how do we learn?
Here’s my answer:
I took his letter to my partner-in-slam, Eileen, and we discussed it. And here’s what we have to say as a team:
When we say, “1 STORY. 4 MINUTES. ZERO DICKS.” We’re not talking about penises, per se. We’re talking about privilege.
No men on the stage. That’s it.
We have no need to know whether a trans woman, nonbinary, or intersex person has a penis. We’re not doing anatomy checks at the door. Because there is no door. There’s no question on the application. Because there’s no application. If a person considers themselves male, they can’t tell a story. Period. Dot. End of discussion.
What we want to know is “do you consider yourself a woman or nonbinary?” If you do, and you write on Substack, you can tell a story. If you’re intersex, do you consider yourself male?” If you do, you can’t tell a story here.
If you have facial or body hair, that’s not a criterion for rejection or acceptance. It’s hair. If you have a voice that hasn’t changed when you transitioned, a voice that sounds “male,” it’s immaterial to us. Will there be some confusion or discomfort? It’s possible, but that’s not our business either. It’s a learning opportunity. Our business is to maintain a safe environment for the people who participate. Every person who participates in our community must be responsible for their own reactions. And they must be respectful. Must.
If we don’t come together and engage, how will we grow? Maybe one day when patriarchy is overturned, men can come tell a story on our virtual stage.
You, dear reader, are the only person who can determine your gender. That’s none of our business, and it’s not our job to be that kind of gatekeeper.
If you’re a cis or trans man, you enjoy the privilege of maleness and all that comes with it. You’re welcome as an audience member and a supporter. We’d love that.
I’ve gone through my own feelings about trans and nonbinary people; it required soul-searching and a willingness to look at unfamiliar things through a new lens. I’ve done that work, I’m certain I need to do more, so I’m doing this. I’ll never know what it feels like to transition, to define my gender as anything other than cis female.
In Judaism, there’s a tradition of welcoming the stranger, believe it or not. I believe in this, even if I’m uncomfortable, because it gets me to look at something in myself that might need fixing.
This brings me to my final statement about inclusivity. Because this isn’t just about male/female/cis/trans/nonbinary/intersex.
I’ve become very sensitized to the fact that I don’t have an abundance of friends who aren’t white. I don’t feel good about that, and I own that I haven’t made enough of an effort to have more diverse interactions and friendships with people who don’t look exactly like me.
I think a lot of us, of all colors, might admit the same. I want this space to be welcoming to all people of any color, religion, sexual orientation, and gender expression. I believe that most of us have a tendency to self-select. We gravitate toward the familiar for many reasons. My guess is that most or all the reasons are rooted in fear. Fear of what’s unknown.
These are our guidelines because it’s OUR stack.
I don’t want anyone to forget that we’re creating this space as way to celebrate women, primarily. We want to celebrate our differences, instead of letting our differences be the source of separation and isolation. AND we want to have fun doing it, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be serious, too. We are everything.
Patriarchal values aren’t welcome in our space.
Take a look at the Wham! Bam! Thank You! Slam! site if you’re not familiar with it yet. Think about investing in it, if you can. If you can’t afford to, please reach out to us privately. We’ll make it work for you, no questions asked. All you have to tell us is that you want to get involved.
We feel so hopeful about the future of Wham! Bam! Thank You! Slam! And we know it will take a lot of people; writers, storytellers, audience members and our readers to make this venture a success.
Never feel that you can’t bring your concerns to us. We’re here and we want to hear YOU.
* I read the essay to “my friend” today. He said I could tag him in this post.
My friend’s name is Robin Taylor (he/him).
Get to know him. He’s the best.
** Okay, apology here. On the recorded version, I misnamed Robin’s stack. And I know what the name is. Lost the thread. It’s That Trans Friend You Didn’t Know You Needed.
I’m here to tell you––everyone needs him. xo
