Slamone Talks About Killing the Patriarchy

...and other fun summery pursuits.

Ah, the sweet spot that is June. Long, balmy summer days filled with the smell of barbecuing, the taste of ice cold lemonade, and the refreshing satisfaction of killing the patriarchy.

The definition of patriarchy as defined by Merriam-Webster is: a social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family, the legal dependence of wives and children, and the reckoning of descent and inheritance in the male line.

Broadly: control by men of a disproportionately large share of power.

So basically, men rule and girls drool. But only if men say drool is cool. And only if they’re girls. Women are often filled with their own opinions in regards to drooling on command. BOO TO GROWN ASS WOMEN AND THEIR OPINIONS ON SPITTLE!

As far back as 411 BCE, Athenian playwright Aristophanes wrote a “comedic” play about a group of women sick and tired of Athens and Sparta being at war. They rally around Lysistrata, who proposes a “sex strike” of sorts…no intimate relations or physical affection until the men get serious about keeping the peace. The elders of the group take over the Acropolis and the treasury and don’t you know, hijinks ensue. They cut off the money to fund the war and voila! Between no nookie and no cash, the men lay down their weapons and end the feud.

If only it were that easy. And no, I wasn’t there. I’m old, but not THAT old.

My OG alter-ego Simone was most verbose on the topic of equality. She insisted that there was nothing in women’s biology or psychology that made them inferior; it was all a societal construct. It was instituted by men who wanted a support system to enable them to chase transcendence. You know, exploring their potential and greatness. Being out in the world showing off your tail feathers means someone else has to stay at home and do all the shit you don’t want to do…aka immanence. Holding down the fort and doing all the repetitive soul-sucking stuff. That’s why one must take a wife! (See essay below by my esteemed colleague, Judy Brady, on this topic).

Most of this pact has been decided by social tradition. That and the fact that women have been expected to fall in line. Not pursue higher education in order to devote themselves to family life. That’s where the oppression rears its ugly head because educated women have a tendency to recognize their options. They discover the female archetypes that men use to define them (wifey, mommy, sexy librarian) rob them of their individuality. Smart women contain multitudes and any man of character should appreciate that their female partner is a human above all else.

Old JP (Jean-Paul Sartre, obvi) and OG Simone had an open relationship where they agreed to not succumb to societal expectations. JP was hardly a feminist, but he respected Simone’s intellect enough to run almost every piece he wrote by her before he published it. They never cohabitated; they would meet often in cafes and smoke and talk about their affairs and solve the world’s problems. This arrangement lasted 51 years. Pretty successful pairing, all things considered. She wasn’t pining for a new oven, she was exploring transcendence!

Enough about old school notions, where are we now? NOT GREAT. We still have yet to elect a female leader, in fact two qualified candidates recently both lost to the WORST PERSON ON EARTH. Sorry if you were thrown off by weird laughs and pantsuits, hope you like $6 a gallon gas and endless war in the Middle East. Please enjoy your criminalized miscarriage. Good luck trying to vote with your husband’s last name. That is, if voting is still a thing and not some sort of AI stunt theater brought to you by Elon and the DOGE cowboys. “Government Efficiency” depends on women birthing more workers and shutting the fuck up. Elon is doing his part; he has fourteen children. With names like X AE A-Xii, Exa Dark Sideræl, and Techno Mechanicus, I’m sure they are an absolute delight to be around.

But all is not lost, friends. Come join us on June 20th to discuss the patriarchy and our thoughts on its inevitable demise. There will be smart people, music, and mayhem…it will be a grand party that you can attend in your casual wear. And it’s in the afternoon, so bring your vodka-spiked lemonade. Bring some snacks too, you do you!

Get your tickets today…

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Judy Brady’s essay, “I Want A Wife,” became an instant classic when it first appeared in 1971 in the premier issue of the feminist magazine, Ms. Susan Kacvinsky, told Nan that she taught it to her former high school students.

Nan was 10-years-old in 1971, a very hopeful baby feminist, who spent her allowance on that first issue. She wishes she still had it, but like her youth, it’s long gone. But her dreams of equality will never fade and she’ll never stop fighting for that.

I Want A Wife By Judy Brady 1971 Ms Ms Magazine

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Here’s a fun essay by writer Maggie Trinkle published in Ms., a follow-up to Brady’s, 49 years later.