Slamone Tells a Scary Story

The road to equality has been filled with potholes

Slamone here to tell you kids a bedtime story. You might not sleep well afterward, because the main character is a monster.

This cautionary tale is about how sometimes women can screw over other women… and then label it family values.

Our lady monster is named Phyllis Schlafly, born in 1924 in St. Louis, Missouri. She was a “real housewife” long before Andy Cohen ever dreamed up wealthy women throwing wine at each other on television.

But Phyllis was no trad wife by today’s standards. Not even close.

She had six children, earned advanced degrees, wrote 26 books, ran for Congress, gave endless speeches, and was extremely enthusiastic about nuclear weapons.

She was doing everything except staying at home. In short, Phyllis was a busy beaver.

But her most monstrous hobby involved equal rights for women, specifically the Equal Rights Amendment.

The ERA was first introduced in 1923, then finally reintroduced in 1972, with a ratification deadline of 1979, later extended to 1982.

And for a while, things were moving along pretty well thanks to women like Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan, Bella Abzug, Shirley Chisholm, and lots of other women who were burning bras, demanding equality, and telling men to make their own damn dinner for a change.

There was even Playgirl magazine, which featured full frontal male nudity. Zizi everywhere!

Mon dieu! Feminism was having a moment.

But then the Phyllis monster rose from the suburban depths and decided she could not abide.

She launched the STOP ERA movement. That stands for Stop Taking Our Privileges, which is a twisted way to frame equality.

Phyllis traveled the country warning women that if the ERA passed, terrible things would happen.

Women would be drafted into the military. There would be unisex locker rooms. Unisex prisons.

And worst of all, apparently, men might have to start pitching in. GAH! The nerve.

She also warned that stay-at-home mothers would lose their special protections and that feminists were bitter radicals who were probably lesbians.

She also opposed gay rights and abortion rights, which makes it extra special that one of her sons later came out as gay. RAINBOW PLOT TWIST.

Anyway.

Phyllis spent years touring the country, rallying conservative homemakers, and warning them that if the ERA passed they might lose things like alimony protections.

She convinced enough women to oppose the amendment that the momentum slowed down.

When the 1982 deadline arrived, the ERA was three states short of ratification.

Three. Not the magic number School House Rock sang about.

Which means the Constitution came this close to guaranteeing equal rights regardless of sex… and then Phyllis smashed that shit with her sensible daytime pumps.

The housewife monster won that round. She lived to be 92 years old, behind Trump’s 2016 campaign all the way, because of course she was.

If you’d like to learn more about this ERA (see what I did there)… Slamone recommends the excellent series Mrs. America.

If you were too busy sterilizing your groceries in 2020 when it came out, now is your chance.

The Phyllis monster is played with terrifying perfection by Cate Blanchett, and you can view it on Hulu.

Yes, I know streaming services are politically complicated these days. Perhaps your phone company will pay for it. Or you can borrow a password from a conservative relative and consider it wealth redistribution.

AND/OR…

You can join us for a live all-star equal rights extravaganza on Saturday, March 21 at 5 PM Eastern.

Our modern-day storytelling feminists will share their four-minute personal tales about the long road to gender equality.

So throw off your bra, tell your family to Door Dash dinner, and buckle up.

Because unlike Phyllis Schlafly, these women are actually trying to protect and raise up ALL WOMEN. Don’t miss your chance to support them!